On the Way to Gethsemane

To be honest
our hearts
weren’t in it.
Normally
we sang with gusto,
not always tunefully
yet we meant every word.
But not tonight.
I think all of us
felt the same.
We just wanted
to leave
that upper room
and get out
into the cool air,
back to
the Mount of Olives
to be alone with our thoughts.
Our minds
were in turmoil;
so much had been said;
so much had been done;
and none of it made sense.
I know Jesus
was trying
to tell us;
to warn us;
to prepare us
for something momentous;
something life-changing.
But
all I heard was that
He was going;
He was going away;
He was leaving;
and I was
confused;
bewildered;
perplexed
and above all
sad.
He was my best friend,
and He was leaving.
I had shared
so much with Him.
I thought
I knew Him so well now.
I thought
I could read His moods.
But not tonight.
Tonight
He was withdrawn.
He had
sat with us;
eaten with us;
shared with us;
but yet
part of Him was elsewhere;
part of Him had already moved on.
I didn’t understand
where He was going.
He seemed set on
this journey
and yet
I don’t know if
He really wanted to go.
And if
He didn’t want to go
then why
was He doing this?
Why
was He leaving
and what was I going to do
without Him?
I couldn’t imagine life
without Him.
I’d only really known Him
a few years
but
what a tremendous
few years
they had been.
And now
it was all to end.
Why?

I walked along
in sadness,
only half listening
to the conversation.
Then
I heard Jesus say,
“You will all fall away.”
My heart stopped.
How could He think that?
It was bad enough
that He was leaving us
but that He thought
we would desert Him!
How could He,
my best friend,
think I would
desert Him?
How could He
think any of us would
desert Him?
He was our life;
our reason for living;
the One for whom
we had given up everything.
Peter
voiced his feelings
and swore that He
wouldn’t desert Him,
even if we did.
That hurt too,
that he could think
us,
me,
capable of desertion.
Oh,
why was all this happening?
When would it all end?
When could we get back
to normality,
if you could call
the last few years
normal?
If Jesus
was right
and something awful
was going to happen
then we needed
to stick together;
to be there for each other;
and most of all
we needed
Jesus
to tell us
what to do.
But
He was leaving us.
In some ways
He had already left us.
He had said
goodbye.

Why?

© Kathleen Wilks